


ÄPPLARÖ

by Veldeia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Domestic Fluff, Double Entendre, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, IKEA Furniture, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-11 06:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8960839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veldeia/pseuds/Veldeia
Summary: Letting Thor take charge of organizing the party was definitely a bad move, but there's no going back now: Tony and Steve must face a challenge unlike anything either of them have ever met. No one dies and furniture is… assembled. (And disassembled.)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [windscryer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/windscryer/gifts).



> What a brilliant prompt! I had fun writing it (and facepalmed a lot). I blame the people of #cap-im chat for this, and thank [MiniRaven](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MiniRaven/profile) for hopping in to do a quick beta! :)
> 
> Warnings: Story contains product placement, incorrectly assembled furniture, and an overabundance of terrible double-entendres. (The actual piece of furniture featured in the story is [this](http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/50208535/). It probably isn't as flimsy as I made it out to be.)

"When Thor said he's gotten us furniture, I thought he'd, you know, actually gotten us furniture, and not a DIY project," Tony groaned.

"I think we may have made a tactical error," Steve said.

The idea of organizing a barbecue party on the Tower's rooftop balcony had originally been Thor's, but they'd all agreed on it. The last couple of months had been really hectic, and as team leader, Steve definitely thought they could use a break. Since Thor had been so enthusiastic and had promised to take charge of the arrangements, no one had had any reason to argue against him.

The big day would be tomorrow. An hour ago, Thor had contacted Steve to tell him they now had brand new outdoor furniture, which he had delivered on the helipad. He'd just failed to mention that said furniture was still in hundreds of pieces. There were at least a dozen cardboard boxes of different sizes and shapes waiting on the pad, with one thing in common: each one of them read "IKEA" in big bold letters.

Steve had quite a good handle on 21st century things by now, but occasionally, he still ran into something he didn't know, and this was one of those. "What's Ikea?"

"Sweden's gift for interior design," Tony said. He sounded far more annoyed than he had yesterday when fighting that massive robot armadillo.

"What's so bad about it? They out-compete you in the furniture industry?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Excuse me, if I were in the furniture industry, I wouldn't be aiming to be the cheapest there is. Plus, I could make my products self-assembling instead of this," he waved a hand at the assorted boxes.

"But you love building things," Steve pointed out, a little confused.

"I love building things when what I'm building is awesome and makes for an interesting challenge. Assembling some cheapo dining set is about as interesting as watching grass grow."

"Well, be that as it may, these definitely aren't going to assemble themselves, so I think we should get started on that," Steve decided. It was already six in the evening, and considering the amount of boxes, it'd take quite a few hours to get everything done.

"Wait, what?" Tony exclaimed incredulously. "We? I can think of a dozen other things I'd rather be doing. Thor got them, he should be putting them together."

"He should, and I'm sure he'd like to, but he's gone away to pick up Jane, and won't be back until the morning. Besides, this could be fun," Steve said, and slipped his hand to Tony's ass. "Just you, me, and all this hard wood to play with."

Tony pulled a face. "You did not just say that. That is so bad it makes other puns feel embarrassed."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Steve said. "So, are we doing this?"

"Since you ask so nicely." Tony leaned in for a kiss. Steve pulled them closer together, Tony's hand found its way between Steve's shoulder blades, and for the next couple of minutes, furniture was happily ignored in favor of lips and tongues.

"Right, assembling stuff. I think I should go get some tools," Tony said as they separated, waggling his eyebrows. "Won't take long."

"I'll be right here," Steve promised.

As Tony disappeared into the elevator, Steve went to take a closer look at what, exactly, was in the boxes. Luckily they came with little pictures showing what each box contained, because in addition to that, they only had a name that looked completely unpronounceable. He'd have to ask Thor how to say it when he got back.

Steve's inspection revealed several chairs, benches, and a few tables of different sizes. He decided they'd start with a table. It looked a little more complicated than the tried and tested "four legs and tabletop" design, so maybe it would provide Tony with the challenge he was looking for.

Steve had made his pick just in time; Tony returned with a small toolbox in one hand, and, Steve was willing to bet, some lube and rubbers in one pocket. Those would have to wait for a bit. They needed to get some work done first.

"Here's our project." Steve patted the box he'd picked, not bothering to stand up.

"All right," Tony said. He sat down next to Steve and put his hand on Steve's thigh. "What are we looking at here?"

Steve put his hand on top of Tony's, gave it a pat, and pushed it away. Work first. "It's a table. I didn't get further than that yet. Let's see what's inside."

Steve grabbed hold of one edge of the cardboard packaging and tore it right open to reveal a number of pieces with a dark wood stain finish, accompanied by plastic bags with little wooden pegs and screws and whatnots.

"Okay, this is a few more parts than I was expecting for a table," Tony said, and picked up what definitely had to be a table leg.

"You wanted a challenge," Steve said.

"I did, and I do like puzzles," Tony said, a glint in his eye, definitely looking more interested in the task than he had before. "All right. Obviously, we'll need the tabletop, and then we can start attaching legs to it."

"Shouldn't we look at instructions first?" Steve asked.

"For a table?" Tony frowned. "There's a picture of it right there on the package. I doubt there are instructions. Not exactly complicated. Put tab A into slot B."

There was a white leaflet among the parts that Steve was willing to bet would contain instructions, but if Tony thought it'd be more interesting to do the assembly without, they might as well go for it. He was kind of surprised Tony thought there wouldn't be any. "So, you doubt there are, but you don't know? Haven't you actually done this before?"

"Assembled IKEA furniture? Why would I have done that, when I've got the money to buy proper, well-made, stylish stuff?" Tony returned.

"Fair point," Steve admitted. "So, it's a first time for both of us!"

"I don't think the table has done this before, either," Tony noted, waving the piece he was holding at Steve.

"The three of us, then! All the more exciting."

"We should probably ease into it slowly," Tony said, leaning closer to Steve.

"Of course," Steve agreed, and planted a kiss on Tony's cheek. "Remember, you can always say if something doesn't feel good."

"Oh, I will," Tony promised. "So, give me something to stick this into." He held the table leg upright in front of him, both hands at its base.

After some more rummaging and sorting of pieces, they had the tabletop on the floor in front of them, underside up. It was actually a three-part piece with hinges, since the table was meant to be a foldable one. They got to work trying to connect the table legs to it. The first thing they discovered was that what Tony was holding was, in fact, not one of the legs at all.

"Either this doesn't fit anywhere, or the design is even worse than I thought," Tony grumbled.

"I think what you've got is a piece that goes between the legs," Steve noted, after studying the tiny picture again. "These are the legs." He handed Tony a piece that was actually two table legs, already pre-assembled.

"Legs, and a piece that goes between the legs, I think I've got this," Tony said, deadpan, and took the proffered piece. He spent another few minutes trying to fit it to the underside of the tabletop, but finally put it down again and shook his head. "No, that doesn't fit either. It's like we're missing something."

"Hmm. I guess there should be an additional thing that goes between those two things," Steve said, honestly just failing at words and certainly not meaning to make some kind of a contrived double-entendre.

Tony, of course, took it as one anyway. He raised an eyebrow and smirked. "You mean protection?"

"Not what I'd call it," Steve said, eyeing the remaining pieces.

"Lubrication?" Tony suggested.

"Actually, I was thinking something like this." Steve handed him a piece they hadn't come up with any use for yet. "I think that goes in the middle of the underside of the tabletop."

"Ah, right. Yes, like a structural support. Of course. Why didn't I see that?" Tony muttered, accepting the piece, momentarily distracted from further innuendos.

It took over an hour of increasingly terrible puns about screws and pegs and holes, and some use of force to connect pieces that just didn't seem to fit right no matter what, but eventually, they had used every part that had been in the box, and the table looked like it was supposed to look, as far as Steve could tell when it was upside down.

Tony backed away while Steve lifted the table from the ground and turned it around, setting it on its legs.

They both held their breaths waiting to see if it would stay upright when faced with the force of gravity—and it did! They'd actually pulled this off!

"Well, look who's finally up and ready to go," Tony said. He walked over to the table and patted its surface. "That took a while, but of course, nerves, first time, can't really blame him for needing a lot of attention."

"I'd say he's looking really good, now! I've always had a thing for brunets," Steve said.

"And you've got two here, just waiting for you." Tony leaned against the table, arms crossed, and gave Steve a sultry glance. "We really need to perform some structural integrity testing. Important part of the process."

"You're the engineer, I'll trust you on that."

Steve moved to stand in front of Tony, his hips against Tony's. Tony bent one leg around Steve's knees, pulling them even closer together, and Steve placed both hands on the tabletop for balance. That turned out to be a mistake.

The table decided it had had enough, and with a sound of splintering wood, folded in on itself.

Acting on instinct, Steve put his arms around Tony and flipped them around to protect Tony with his body, taking the impact of the fall. It wasn't the most comfortable landing, with bits of broken table beneath him, but on the other hand, he did end up with Tony's full weight on top of him, which he was very okay with.

"I'd say that test was a complete and utter failure," Steve announced.

Tony crossed his arms on Steve's chest, leaning his chin on his hands. "Not from where I'm looking. I'm quite pleased, actually. From the point of view of that table, though..."

"Poor table couldn't take both of us at once," Steve said. "It's a tall order, really. I mean, neither of us is exactly small."

"Yeah, clearly our combined weight and pressure pushed him over the edge prematurely," Tony said.

"And he collapsed in a heap of ecstasy," Steve finished.

At this point, Tony couldn't take it anymore either, and collapsed in a snickering mess on top of Steve, burying his face in Steve's shoulder. "You're terrible. I love it," he managed between fits of laughter.

"Like you're any better," Steve said, and grabbed a handful of Tony's hair to pull him into a kiss.

Tony kissed back very enthusiastically, and ground his hips against Steve's, which would've been nice if not for the sharp edges digging into the small of his back and his right shoulder blade.

"I think the table isn't into this anymore," Steve told Tony, and put a hand on his shoulder to push him away. "Also, I think I'll have splinters in my back if we keep on with this."

"Aww, but we're not nearly done yet," Tony complained. Nevertheless, he withdrew from Steve, got to his feet, and offered a completely unnecessary hand to help Steve stand.

"First times can be like that. Besides, we can only blame ourselves for wearing him out," Steve said, straightening up and brushing dust off his shoulders.

"I guess it's a good thing then that we've got several other willing candidates here, just waiting to have a good time," Tony said, his tone resigned, his eyes on the dozen or so unopened boxes around them.

"Right? It's a learning experience," Steve said. "And I think the first lesson I've learned is, we should definitely read the instructions before we start."

**Author's Note:**

> In case you want to unleash the not-quite-puns on unsuspecting people, tumblr post for this fic can be found [here](http://veldeia.tumblr.com/post/155570982601/%C3%A4pplar%C3%B6-for-windscryer-for-the-2016-cap-im-holiday).


End file.
